Celebrating Mothers (and Others Who Nurture)

There is nothing quite like having a mother or grandmother who loves and supports you. You know they are in your corner. You are certain that they care and want the best for you.

To be a good enough mother, you don't have to be perfect.

Even if you don't get a mother who is loving, life may present you with the opportunity to be that kind of mother yourself, or serve in a supportive 'mothering' role to other young people whose lives touch yours, perhaps as an aunt, a mentor, sister, or friend.

Being a supportive mother takes transcending self and caring as deeply for someone else as you do for yourself.

Mothering takes patience, especially when your child is pushing away from you or testing all the limits at certain developmental points.

Good mothers set limits and boundaries, and set a tone of mutual respect within the family.

Good mothers encourage their children to develop their natural strengths and interests, and try new things. Their belief in us helps us believe in us, too.

Mothering takes endurance and resiliency because there are a lot of days of cooking meals, helping with homework, getting the children up, tucking the children in, meal times, driving to school, sports, and lessons, and a million other little daily routines that are up to you to make happen.

Good mothers teach their children independent living skills all along the growing up years. They foster independence.

Mothers are needed when your child is discouraged, and you try to give them a word of encouragement to pick themselves up and try again.

It is from being loved by mom that many of us learn to attach, love others, and feel safe.

Good enough mothers apologize when they make mistakes. They role model being kind, forgiving others, and forgiving yourself for your imperfections.

Mothers often teach us to recognize our own feelings, and be aware of how our behavior impacts other people's feelings.

Being a mother is a powerful responsibility, and an opportunity to leave the world a better place by the children you leave behind. As Mother's Day approaches, let's honor mothers who made or are making a positive impact, and be aware of the importance of nurturing others when and where we can in each of the lives we each touch. Being a mom can be one of the most meaningful, transformative experiences in your life. It has been for me.

10% Happier

Dan Harris is a reporter for ABC News, and co-hosts the weekend edition of Good Morning America and Nightline. He also just wrote his first book called, "10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story"(HarperCollins, 2014).

Harris is a colorful guy. He is brutally honest about his past drug use, his on-air panic attack, the internal dialogue in his head which keeps making him afraid his career will fall apart and he'll have to move to a flop house in Duluth. He openly admits to having been a jerk at work, throwing papers around, and letting his ego run away with him. He seems competitive in a highly competitive business. He copes with reporting from war zones, not completely understanding the impact it's having on him. In one war zone, shots ring out near him, and his first thought is that he hopes the film crew kept the camera running, because it will be great footage for the news.

He seems like a regular guy, and has a nice self-depreciating sense of humor. He's open about his experiences in therapy. He gets assigned the job of being a spirituality reporter, even though he's an agnostic. He ends up interviewing Christian evangelicals, as well as new-age experts like Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle. On his journey, he also gets to meet and interview his Holiness the Dalai Lama. Next, he meets experts in mindfulness and meditation, including Mark Epstein, M.D., who becomes a mentor and friend.

So what does a skeptical, stressed-out, agnostic reporter do with all this information? He tries out meditation, including a 10 day silent meditation retreat. In a hilarious, self-effacing way, he chronicles his struggles to learn to be mindful, and do meditation and compassion meditation. Amazingly, it helped. Harris learned to calm his 'monkey mind' and be more present. He feels he is 'less of a jerk now', overreacting less. In the process, Harris demystifies the practice of meditation.

I liked that Harris is relatable as an average man, and that he gives us an inside view that makes trying meditation much more simple and inviting. He actually breaks down the basic steps of meditation, into something any of us could do for five minutes a day, sitting quietly and focusing on our breath. He encourages the reader to be more self-accepting and less self-critical. If your mind wanders off, just guide it gently back to the breathing.

"10% Happier" is an easy and fun read. His language can be a little colorful, but his inside view of the television news business, and his skeptic's view of the useful practice of daily meditation to quiet our minds and build compassion is well worth reading. His explanation of the usefulness of learning to detach from outcomes, and ask ourselves "does this really matter?" when we are worked up and upset is something most of us can put right to good use. It might just help us be 10% happier, or even more.
 

Fathers and Daughters

I see good dads struggle sometimes to stay connected as their sweet little daughters grow up into teenagers and then adult women. You can't tickle her like you might have when she was little, or carry her around on your shoulders. She's probably over board games and throwing the baseball with you by her teen years. Now what? What's a father to do to stay emotionally connected, when he has, of course, never been a young woman himself ?

Sometimes fathers of girls tell me they feel like they are at an unfair advantage, as mothers and daughters may have more same-sex ways to connect with each other, like shopping, cooking, getting nails done, crafts/art, etc. Fathers need to be more creative. Fathers don't often do as much phone contact with daughters as mothers do, or have the same length of conversation. It doesn't mean that your daughter doesn't need you just as much.

Much of being a good father or stepfather has to do with being interested in her, and listening more than you give advice.

It helps her to know that you are there.

Meet her friends when you can. Take the college roommates out with your daughter for a meal.

Be protective. 

Express your love for her.

Help with her car. Teach her how to maintain it.

I like to see fathers develop their own relationship with teen or young adult daughters, not hearing news indirectly through mothers.

The good news is that you don't have to figure this out all by yourself. You can ask your daughter what kinds of activities she would be open to doing together with you. She will probably have a lot of good ideas. Daughters are usually touched by dad's interest and concern.

Take an interest in her college and career path. Encourage her to get a part-time job and internships later to build her experience and confidence.

Role model through how you treat the adult women in your life with respect. She's watching.

Teach her life skills, so that she becomes strong and independent. 

Teach her about money, and the value of saving it. Help her understand about investing.

Talk with her about choosing relationships that honor her, because she's very important to you.

Point out her strengths.

Daughters need loving, involved fathers. Granddaughters need caring, interested grandfathers. Girls whose mothers remarry need loving, supportive stepfathers. Just because you've never been a young woman doesn't mean you can't try to understand the complexities of emotion that the special young women in your life are experiencing. Transcending self and your own gender role to be a beloved father, grandfather or stepfather might just be one of the very best experiences in your life. It might help you build compassion and understanding for the adult partner in your life as well. Mothers bring children in to the world and nurture them, but fathers have their own irreplaceable role to play taking our children out into the world, develop courage and confidence. You don't have to have been a girl to love one well.

Let's Thrive: Redefining Success

Arianna Huffington, the editor-in-chief at Huffington Post, has a new book called "Thrive" (Harmony, 2014) out this month that is well worth reading. She suggests that money and power are a rather limited way of evaluating one's success in life. Huffington believes we need a third metric which includes creating well-being, wisdom, wonder and giving.

Huffington shares personal stories about growing up in Greece and lessons learned from her mother, who owned little but was extremely generous with others, often giving things to people who complimented them. Her mom also believed in being fully present, never missing an opportunity to interact with a shopkeeper or stranger. She tells some lovely personal stories about learning from her mom about what's truly important in life, all the way up to sharing how her mom died surrounded by family, a final shopping trip to a farmer's market, and sharing good food and wine.

Huffington addresses the issue of burning out at work, something that women are especially prone to. In contrast to "Leaning In" the recent book by Sheryl Sandberg, Huffington suggests that we all begin to intentionally lean out of work and being available 24/7.  She is in a unique position to be aware of the demands of the 24 hour news cycle, and the addictive draw of email, phone contact, and hyper-vigilance to news. She feels we need to feminize the workplace with core beliefs that we don't want to just make it to the top, we want to make the world a better place.

Here are a few of her valuable suggestions:

1. Get more sleep. She feels many of us aren't functioning at our best level because we are tired, hungry or lonely. Adults, teens, and children all get less sleep than they did a generation ago. Try an earlier, and firm bedtime. Try it for a month as she did and see how you feel. Ask family and friends to help you with your goal of getting to sleep earlier.

2. Take breaks. She has a nap room in side the Huffington Post for all the employees, also has healthy snacks there like hummus and carrot sticks. We are more effective at work when we stop for lunch and rest breaks. Perhaps you can get outside the office at lunch.

3. Give your phone a bedtime. Tuck it into a sleeping position early in the evening in a location which is NOT in your bedroom, so you are not tempted to check it during off hours. Could you put it to bed at 7pm? 6pm? Try this one and see if it helps restore you to truly be off. Don't turn it back on immediately when your feet hit the floor in the morning. Give yourself a little time to start your day in your own calming way first.

4. Take real vacations where your phone and email do not go with you.

5. Volunteer and do selfless service. At Huff Post, they pay employees for their time to do a few days of service for a cause they care about every year, but even if you don't, do it anyway. Research shows it makes us happier and helps us avoid burnout.

6. Let's have some silence. It helps us reconnect with ourselves. It quiets and soothes us.

7. Give important people, like your loved ones, your full and undivided attention. It's powerful and rare.

8. Think about the legacy you want to leave behind. This will help you peel back to reveal what really matters in your life and what you are focusing on. Work doesn't love you back. People do.

9. Protect your own emotional capital. Don't be a spend thrift with your time and energy.

10. Stop to experience awe and wonder in your daily life, whether it's noticing the sunset or the sky, a sweet interaction between people, a child's joy, or a tender moment. Savor it. Slow down for a variety of petite happiness.

11. Refuse to multi-task. It's draining, physically, mentally, and emotionally to operate in life with a split screen mentality.

12. Nobody stays on this wise course all the time, so when you veer off, get yourself re-centered again.

I enjoyed Huffington's approachable and open tone. In "Thrive" she is forthcoming about dealing with challenges in her own life and with her adult daughters as they experience difficulties like overcoming substance abuse. She emerges as a likeable, warm, and authentic person who is sharing some of her own life lessons, including about what Huffington calls, "kicking out the obnoxious roommate in her head"(a term for her negative self-talk).

It's too narrow to focus our sights on being a success at work. The real challenge is succeeding at the 30,000 or so days in life we are fortunate enough to have. It's an appealing idea to remake the workplace and our work practices to reflect this third measure of success. We need to shift the definition and the boundaries of what builds success, for ourselves and for the next generation, our children, who follow us.

Aging Parents: Conversations to Have

It's emotionally difficult to watch a parent who you always remember being capable and independent deal with declining health and advancing age. It's a contrast to parenting, where you help someone small and dependent become progressively more independent. In loving an aging parent, we witness a formerly independent person cope with losses of friends, their partner, their vitality and energy, perhaps the ability to continue living in their home alone and their challenge to gracefully accept it all.

In Erik Erikson's life tasks for different life stages, the final stage is called "Integrity vs. Despair". At this stage, people review their life, and try to come to terms with what their contributions have been, and what significance their life has had. Seniors are often coping with chronic or progressive illnesses which may slow them down and consume a great deal of their time trying to cope. Many seniors deal with some depression or anxiety as they age and deal with loss. Support from family and friends makes an incredible difference as to how well aging parents can deal with their daily life.

Many people become just more of whatever their personality was like earlier in life (think sweet, complaining, thoughtful, connected, isolated, demanding, etc.) Many older seniors key in on their daily and weekly routines and structure for feelings of security amidst the changes that are occurring.
This can make them seem rigid to younger family members, but it helps to remember that this is a part of coping for many seniors ( such as' I like to eat at this restaurant', 'I always do these chores at this time of day', set television programming, morning and evening routines that self-comfort).

When I worked years ago for the counseling department of a large, local hospital, I helped families talk through planning for aging parents. I still do in my private practice. Here are some things to consider discussing with your aging parent(s):

1. Most aging parents do better in their own home for as long as possible, with services and care being brought into the home as needed.  These might include housekeeping, a home health aide, meal delivery, a bath aide, companion care and more. What are your parents' preferences when their home is no longer the safest place for them, or their needs are more than can be supplemented at home?

2. Do they have a family-friendly family practice doctor who can be the quarterback as other specialists are needed, and is willing to talk with one family member as the point of contact? If not, help them find one. If you live at a distance, a doctor who is willing to interact by email may be very helpful.

3.Create a central storage place for important documents such as medical records, lists of medications being taken, social security numbers, health insurance policy information and contact numbers, advanced directives for healthcare, etc. Keep a hard copy in two different locations that are fire-proof and water-proof.

4. Ask your parents if they have long-term care insurance. Nursing home care is very expensive and could wipe out their savings, or yours. If your parent is healthy enough to qualify, paying that premium, even yourself, may be a smart option.

5. Discuss finances. Who is the point-of contact relative for financial matters? This individual should have financial power of attorney. They need to know the location of key accounts and policies, and the name and contact information for financial advisors.

6. If you begin to suspect your aging parent is confused, get a medical assessment as soon as possible. You can often begin with their family practice doctor who can refer on to specialists who do neurological testing and assess for memory loss and dementia.

7. Discuss what they want to happen when they die. Would they like to be cremated, or buried? Would they like a service to be held? Would they like donations to go to a favorite charity or cause? These might be difficult conversations to have, but it's essential to knowing what their wishes are.

Being sensitive to all the losses your aging parents are going through will help. Consider how you would feel if you were losing your hearing or sight, your mobility, your friends, your partner, and potentially your ability to live independently in your home. There are lots of adjustments that have to be made along the way. Get a support system for yourself. You might be an only child, but even if you have one or more siblings, the care for aging parents often falls disproportionally on one or two.

Caring for aging parents can be meaningful, and it can be hard, both physically and emotionally. Communicating with your parents about these important concerns will help you move forward to make decisions effectively and thoughtfully as changes occur. Hopefully, when we are the oldest generation, our children will be there for us as we inevitably need them more, too.

The Hand-Written Note

In this modern age of email communication, text messaging and voicemails, the simple thoughtfulness of a hand-written note stands out from the noise and the crowd. What a wonderful tool for building personal relationships. Don't you love to find a hand-written note in your mailbox, on your desk, or on your pillow? Even the imperfect handwriting of the person who wrote it makes the note more interesting and less mundane.

There is something so personal about taking the time to write in your own handwriting, to say thank you or encourage someone. It means you took the time to think of the other person, and they almost feel that they are speaking with you as they hold your note in their hands. We each get so many emails every week that saying anything personal can easily get lost with the others we sift through.

No matter how expressive you are with creating text messages, like all CAPS and emoticons, it's just not like a note that's been penned just to you that you can save with your treasures. 

I like to see people build stronger relationships, both at home and at work. Taking the time to handwrite a quick note of praise, encouragement, or thanks will bring you closer to the other person you reach out to.

At home, I like parents to write notes of encouragement to their children. The focus could be letting them know that you see how hard they are working at a school subject, or their efforts at a sport, or an instrument, or how they are showing maturity, responsibility , or kindness within the family. It's fun to tuck a note like that into their lunch as a surprise or on their desk or pillow. Sometimes parents get so focused on correcting misbehaviors that we underutilize our power to point out what's right with our children and teens.

Teach your children to write personal, brief thank you notes and send them promptly from the time they are little. It's classy, and it teaches manners and relationship building. Have them send thank you notes even if they don't love the gift. It's a great lesson in being gracious. It's good to let them know that the giver put time, effort, and money into the gift, and that they will want to know that your child received it. It's disheartening and disappointing to send a gift and never hear back. A hand-written note is so much better than a text or email. When children are little, you can help them get the cards in the mail before they play with the gifts. You're teaching.

In your love relationship, apply the surprise handwritten note here as well. It feels wonderful to be thought of, appreciated, and cherished. Don't assume your partner knows what you find wonderful about them. Express it in writing! No one likes being taken for granted. Expression helps us avoid depression.

At work, relationships and manners matter here, too. In the April 6 issue of the New York Times, writer Guy Trebay emphasizes that in work settings, showing that you are civilized and took the time to send a note makes you stand out in a good way. It shows you really do care, as opposed to emailing in a rote way. Some people don't understand the necessity of good manners and thankfulness until they get out of college and have a first job. The fashion industry is one mentioned in his article that really cares about details and kindnesses.

Get a box of cards, some forever stamps, a pen, and go at it. Expressing your appreciation, encouragement, and feelings with a hand-written note is sure to help you build happier and more successful relationships, at work and at home. I promise, and you can get that in writing.

The Connecting Power Of Touch

Loving touch comforts and heals. Many seniors who live alone or in residential settings can go long periods of time without being hugged or touched. Children are happier with generous amounts of it. Couples can't thrive without it. Even our pets crave it. We never outgrow our need for it.

Ashley Montagu was a British anthropologist who wrote a book about the importance of touch. Skin to skin contact is essential for optimal happiness and well-being. Here are some of the things we know from studies about touch:

1. We feel more connected to someone if they touch us.

2.We can communicate many different emotions through touch.

3.The situation, or context for the touch modifies the meaning of it. Does it occur at a bar? With friends? At home?

4.Touch is an essential channel of communication between parents and children.

5. A mother's touch deepens the attachment between mother and child.

6. Even babies like to be touched.  The University of Miami's School of Medicine studied infants, and demonstrated that babies who are massaged by parents sleep better, are less irritable, are more social with other babies, and preemies even grow better when lovingly touched.

7. Generally, we are touched more often when we are little. However, we all need positive touch.
Sometimes when counseling young couples with small children, I find they both touch the babies or children, but the adults may forget (or are too tired) to remember to touch each other.

8.Touch is learned. It varies by culture. I have several young couples in premarital counseling where the differences in how each family uses touch is causing some discomfort and is having to be negotiated. You can also talk with your partner and teach each other how you like to be touched. I like couples to be intentional with each other, and kiss and hug goodbye and hello when they part in the morning and when they reconnect at the end of their day.

9.Touch has reciprocal benefits for both people, the person who is doing the touching, as well as the person being touched. Studies of stress hormones before and after massages confirm the benefit for giver and receiver.

10. Children usually respond beautifully to a little massage of their arms, backs ,
and/or legs before bedtime. It tends to help them transition to sleep better. I encourage parents to consider adding some loving touch into the bedtime routine with babies and children. I often recommend increased loving parent-child touch with anxious children.

11. Touch fosters and communicates intimacy in romantic relationships. I often notice the distance at which couples sit from each other on the couch in my counseling office and whether or not they touch each other during the counseling session.  It gives me a little window in to how they probably treat each other at home.

12. Inappropriate touch is threatening, and touch that feels too personal from strangers can scare people. Generally from the shoulder to the hand would be a less threatening location to touch someone you are not close to.

13.The gender of the sender and receiver of the touch also modify the way the touch is interpreted.

14. At work, a handshake is the best choice for touch. Honoring boundaries and personal space at work is key to being professional, as well as avoiding sexual harassment concerns.

15. In certain situations, like when someone is grieving, or celebrating wonderful news with you, 
touch may be better than any words you could find to express support.

How many times have you been touched this week? Have you reached out to connect with loved ones recently withhugs, and other ways to touch to comfort, connect or reassure? Have you talked with those you are closest to about how they feel about touch? Do you know a child or a senior who might need your loving touch? Think of touch as another tool for connecting you to the people you love, on a skin to skin, visceral level.

Do You Speak Love Languages?

Some books you read and never think about ever again. Some books you remember. Gary Chapman's classic book about relationships, "The Five Love Languages", is the second type. Chapman's book was published years ago now, but it has a simple but elegant idea which I still draw from when I'm coaching clients about improving and strengthening their relationships.

With couples, it is so important to understand the differences between the two of you and to grow to appreciate and work with them. Often people assume that their partner thinks, feels, or needs what they do. Surprise! They probably don't. You need to ask. This is a simple but incredibly important concept, that you need to love people you love in the way they can best receive it, not in the way that you like to give or receive it.

The concept of love languages is useful not just in couples relationships, but also in parent-child relationships, and other close family and friend relationships. It's an easy and fun conversation to start with someone you care about. How do you like to be shown that I love and care about you? Here's what I prefer from you.

Here are the five love languages:

1.Words of affirmation- verbal or written feedback about your significance to the other person. This could include encouragement, praise, compliments, and kind words that build the other person up. The words say, "I see you. I care about you. I appreciate you I value you. I cherish you".

2.Quality time spent together- this should be time spent giving that person your complete and undivided attention. Minimize all distractions. The attention should be individualized, perhaps doing something together you both enjoy. Make eye contact. Put away your cell phone, ipad, computer, or book. Focus on being completely present. Do active listening, where you ask questions to understand more deeply.

3.Gifts-they don't have to be expensive. It's more the idea that you thought about the other person. It could be as small as leaving your partner a pack of gum or chocolate they love, or bringing them a flower. For people who have this as their love language, anniversary and birthday gifts hold great meaning, and unexpected gifts on regular days really makes them melt.

4.Acts of service- some people like to be shown that their partner loves them by having them do a loving action. It could be filling your car with gas, or cleaning the house, or pruning the roses, or doing something kind for your aging parent. These are thoughtful acts that put love into action.

4.Physical touch- For optimal emotional and physical health and well-being,  each of us need to be touched and hugged in a loving way multiple times per day. Your children need it, and the adults that are close to you usually want it. To some people it is the most important way to be close and make them feel loved and needed.

Which language is your preferred way to receive love? This might be a fun conversation to have this week with someone you love. Whether it's your partner, your child, your parent, or a dear friend that you cherish, it always feels good to have someone take the time to find out what your currency is. Chapman's book gives lots of examples from relationships and is a fast and useful read.

This Is The New 80: Aging Well

This week, feminist and activist Gloria Steinem turns eighty. She's still writing, traveling, and speaking. She gave an interview to the New York Times in which she explains her birthday celebration plans. They included a "This is What 80 Looks Like" benefit fundraiser for the Shalom Center of Philadelphia, followed by a trip to Botswana, including an elephant ride.

Steinem is honest about her age, and while she colors her hair, she hasn't succumbed to changing her face or wrinkles. She is still very actively involved in her causes. I wonder if it keeps her younger. It's wonderful that she feels such as sense of purpose at 80.

As more of us can expect to live longer, into our 80's and 90's, we have an opportunity to consider how we want to approach aging. 

Here are some things to consider:

1.Your energy level changes, often by 50 and beyond. How can you learn to pace yourself, take rest breaks, and focus on the most important things to be spending your time on? One challenge is adjusting your physical activities as you age. As Michelle Obama turned 50 this year, she shifted from cardio work outs to more of a focus on flexibility, with activities like yoga. Having a social network that encourages movement is helpful, too.

2.What can you do to still stay active mentally? Use it or lose it is the key principle. Staying involved with other people is important, and not isolating. Steinem is a good role model in this way, by continuing to stay involved actively in issues and causes she cares about. I always want to explore with my patients who are considering retirement, "What are you retiring to do?"

3. The research team using the 8 decade study started by Dr. Lewis Terman from Stanford University and follow up studies by Dr. Howard Friedman and Dr. Leslie Martin, show that people who have a purpose, and a life path with an active pursuit of their goals live longer. A larger social network, giving to your community, and building and maintaining a close marriage and/or friendships can add both more years and more life satisfaction. These life decisions also help individuals bounce back sooner from disappointments and loss. Friedman and Martin term it creating a "persistent, consequential, and social life".

4. Establish social and emotional ties. In both men and women, having the ability to maintain close relationships helps you live longer.  While Steinem married once late in her life and is now widowed, in this Sunday's interview with Steinem in the New York Times, she mentions that she has a cherished network of friends around the world that she stays in frequent contact with. She has known many of them for many years since the Feminist movement began in the 1960's.

5. Developing your spirituality, faith, or religious beliefs can also increase life span. Friedman and Martin suppose that is has to do with the health benefits of prayer and meditation.

Developing multiple facets of ourselves, and a life that has several sources of meaning can help us transition more successfully as we move across the lifespan. If too much of our self-esteem is caught up in physical attractiveness or a high energy level, it puts us at risk for more difficulty with the aging process. Aging well is more than denying it, or botoxing out expression lines. Aging well means continuing to find our purpose and staying connected to others. Wrinkles and loss happen automatically as we age but wisdom, contribution, and connectedness are all choices.

(Note: The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight Decade Study, by Friedman and Martin (Plume Books,2012) is an interesting read.)

Finding Your Happy Place

I realized after I spent some time gardening and planting new spring flowers this past weekend, how relaxed it made me feel. I also feel that way about getting lost in a great book. Do you know where your happy place is? Do you go there regularly to re-energize yourself?

When I'm doing life coaching with adults, I always want to find out what they do to relax, play, and recharge. In working with children and teens, I want to make sure they have an area of mastery outside of academics. Play is not just for kids. We all need to play and find the way to relax that feels healthy and right to us. I would like all parents to help their children identify what their natural happy spots are so that when they are stressed they can go there.

Engaging in some activity in which you are focused deeply on what you are doing, and lose awareness of yourself, can be healthy and a needed break for your mind, emotions, and spirit. All hypnosis is essentially self-hypnosis and takes you to a very deep level of relaxation where you aren't worried about anything at all. We take ourselves to that deeply relaxed hypnotic state when we are engaged in something solitary that we enjoy.

Your happy place or activity needs to be something that's easy to access, not unhealthy, expensive or addictive. They are as individual as our fingerprints. Here are some activities that might get you thinking about your own happy place:

Do you enjoy some kind of movement or exercise?

Does listening to music shift your moods? Sometimes I have patients create a playlist specifically to help them downshift and chill.

Do you like to draw, paint, or do some kind of crafts? Do you knit, crochet or needlepoint? Perhaps you could set up a little art area for you to retreat and be creative. This is not about creating great art, it's about the experience of creating and expressing.

Do you like going outside, riding your bike, going for a walk, observing nature or gardening? These activities help us connect with nature and put problems and stresses in perspective. Even Sigmund Freud had a daily ritual of walking around the Ringstrasse after dinner each night when he lived in Vienna (just skip the nightly cigar he smoked while he walked). We can create our own daily rituals that take us outside, like watering plants or a neighborhood stroll with your dog after dinner.

Think creatively about how you liked to play or relax as a child. Finding non-electronic ways to de-stress, shifting away from problems and stressors, even for a short break, helps recharge our human batteries. It helps us to relax deeply, lower our heart rate and blood pressure, and focus our attention outside ourselves and our problems du jour.

Challenge yourself to identify one or two of your happy places and go there this week. You deserve it. If you have children or teens, help them identify their own happy place and it can become a lifelong coping strategy when they are under stress.

Yelling Is the New Spanking (and Adults Don't Like It Either!)

This morning, the Orange County Register newspaper has a great article about the negative impact of yelling at children as a parenting style. The article suggests that just as most educated parents don't spank their children these days, (as perhaps we were in childhood), that screaming and yelling at children is also damaging to the child, their self-esteem and the parent-child relationship.

When I ask parents in counseling about a dictator style parent who spanked and/or yelled and how that impacted their relationship with the parent, usually they explain that they didn't open up to that parent, or confide in them when they had a problem. Often, yelling or spanking is about a parent feeling overstressed and losing their cool. Neither spanking or yelling are effective ways to discipline children or teens. Discipline has to do with teaching the child something and a consequence is usually a better way to go.

Remember, if you lose your cool with your child, that's probably all they will remember from the situation. They will likely be thinking about how mean you are, not about what they did.

Parents hold their child or teen in a kind of "empathic envelope", with much of family life occurring along the envelope's edge with parents letting children out for more freedom, or setting limits and pulling them back in. When you explode at your child, it's as if you blow up the whole envelope that holds them in a safe relationship with you.

Parents still need to be the co-architects of the family, and children need reasonable limits, with more freedom as they are making more responsible choices. If you don't know how to do this,  a parenting class or a few sessions with a family therapist can help you upgrade your parenting skills to be more effective. If you really want a child who turns out to think for themselves, be kind, responsible, and able to be close to other people and feel safe, your parenting is the path that helps get them there.

While we are at it, not only is yelling at your child a bad idea, but so is yelling in your relationships with other adults you care about. I think of yelling as primitive and unskilled behavior. We can do better. we owe it to our children and all our adult relationships to find healthier ways to manage our stresses, set limit , and communicate when we are upset.  Is yelling the new spanking? I sure hope so.

The Power of No

I notice that it's sometimes hard to say "no." Women often feel they need to please others, and take on too much. Many parents do so much for their children that they forget to take care of themselves, their own finances, etc. Even in a good relationship, you need to be able to be your authentic self andset a limit with a "no" at times. Children need to be supported in having a voice to say no sometimes.

Being able to say "no" makes your "yes" more meaningful.

It takes courage and bravery to know your own worth, and say no to mistreatment, verbal, physical, or emotional abuse.

Being able to choose no means you also consider your own needs.

Saying no at times allows you take back your own power over yourself, your schedule, your life, your relationship, or your finances.

Being able to say no may make other people respect you more.

It is healthy to say no to people who use or disrespect you. Think of it this way: it's your job to teach the people in your most important relationships how you want to be treated.

Good parents help children learn that they can have a voice to say no in some situations. We need to empower children to say no to bullying, and that their bodies belong to them.

It's a good idea to say no to people who are trying to deplete all your energy, or drain you financially or emotionally.

You can say no to other people's unrealistic expectations. I often try to remind my patients that people are allowed to ask you for anything. It's your job to say yes or no.

Women are often socialized to follow the feminine archetype of being selfless, always loving and giving. Sometimes we need to be supported in not giving until we bleed dry. We can take on too much for other people. We need to do self-care, and balance our concern for others with a healthy concern for replenishing ourselves and our energy.

You can say no to repeating old or unhealthy patterns.

Committed couples need to be able to say no to violating the sacred boundaries that protect your relationship. I like to see people be mature enough in a relationship to say no to choices that make it unsafe for your partner to stay with you. You can't be intimate with anyone you don't feel safe with. A partner who can't say no is dangerous to the other person.

As it turns out, being able to selectively say no is important: for our sense of self, to protect yourself and to be your own advocate in relationships.

You Were Always Mom's Favorite: Sisters

Writer and  Georgetown University Linguistics professor Deborah Tannen wrote a terrific book about the complex relationships between sisters, called You Were Always Mom's Favorite that might really help you understand the relationship better if you have a sister, are a sister, or have daughters of your own (Ballantine Books, 2010). Sisters have a life-long conversation that can reveal much about each of them.

As it turns out, girls often define themselves by the differences between themselves and their sister or sisters. There is often a lifelong tug of war between competition and closeness. Sisters compete for parents' time, attention, and financial support. Each sister tries to carve out her own identity within the family. If an older sister is seen by the family as the "smart" one, a younger sister might seek to differentiate herself by assuming a different identity.

Birth order plays a role in the relationship between sisters. Tannen found this even between twin sisters, where there is still a focus on who arrived on the scene first. Older sisters may be called on to help with the care, supervision, homework and responsibility for a younger sister by parents, and later be resented by a younger sister for treating them as a parent treats a child. Younger sisters may be babied and protected. Adult sisters sometimes have trouble renegotiating childhood roles. For example, ideally it would be best for an older sister to build a mutually respectful relationship, and not try to know more or be the boss all their lives.

As Tannen and her researchers studied conversations between sisters, they foundsomething she labeled "sister speak" where sisters can develop their own unique conversational flow and share the telling of stories. Because sisters usually share a common history, they can have conversational shorthand that they understand but others might not completely get.

Alignment in the family is important. If one sister is seen as "closer" to mom or dad, it can cause other sisters to feel left out.  Asa structural family therapist, I often want parents to be more aware of having as many good kids as they have children, and not joining in an alliance with one child, or playing favorites.

As adults, resentments can be exacerbated by one sister living closer to aging parents and assuming a larger or solo role in managing parents' increasing needs. Some adult sisters opt out and leave caring for aging parents, by default, to another sister. Some mothers add to sister conflict by over-praising one sister or her children.

Your sister might  represent the path you did not take in life. Acceptance, tolerance, and mutual respect can help soothe differences. So can lowering your expectations about your sister, and adding in other close female friends.

Sisters can be such different things to different women. It's wonderful when they are close emotionally, caring, supportive, and interested. Many women feel the loss of what they would have longed for if their sister is competitive, cold, disinterested or antagonistic. I have found women who feel sadness that their sister order got messed up.

Whether your sister is a strong ally or a stiff competitor, chances are she's one of the few people on the planet who knows your whole life story. The relationship between sisters, or the lack of it, helps to define us as women and as individuals.

How Marriage Is Changing

In today's New York Times, Northwestern University professor of psychology and management Eli Finkel wrote a very interesting article about how marriage is changing. I get to see how  marriages and our expectations for them are changing up close every week in my counseling office in Newport Beach.

After doing a year-long survey of the scholarly literature on marriage, including psychological research and commentary from sociologists, economists and historians, Finkel thinks that the average marriage is weaker, but that the best marriages now are better than ever. This means that for one group of married couples, satisfaction is lower and the divorce rate is higher. For the other group of marriages, they are stronger and provide more satisfaction and personal well-being to both partners than in past generations. Apparently, with marriage, it's all or nothing.

Finkel reviews the literature about the American view of marriage, which has evolved over time. Cherlin and Cootnz chronicled the era of "institutional marriage" from our country's founding to about 1850. Marriage was about survival: producing food, creating shelter and safety. These basics were the foundation of marriage at that time. If you had an emotional connection with your partner, that was lucky. Emotional connection was NOT the central purpose of the union.

Next up, from 1850 to 1965, marriages hit the era of "companionate marriage." This time frame mirrors the shift in American society from rural to urban life. Families became more prosperous, and men's and women's roles became more distinct and gender specific. As families grew more wealthy, they could afford the luxury of looking at marriage differently, having more to do with love and companionship, and less about survival.

The third shift began around 1965 to the present, with the era of "self-expressive marriage." American societal changes in the 1960s and the personal growth movement helped shift expectations of marriage less as a necessary institution, and more as a way to develop, fuel self-discovery, self-esteem and personal growth.

These different expectations of marriage parallel the hierarchy of needs designed by psychologist Abraham Maslow in the 1940s. There are five levels in Maslow's hierarchy, and if a lower level, such as food and shelter, is not met, then a couple can't get past that basic need to focus on happiness and self-actualization. In recent years, our expectations for marriage have soared. It requires more time and energy invested into a marriage to meet those higher level needs for connection, depth, and mutual growth.

Sociologists Jeffrey Dew and W. Bradford Wilcox have found in their research that couples who spend time alone with each other, either talking or sharing an activity at least once a week are 3.5 times as likely to be very happy in their marriages than those who do not. Having shared mutual friends also seems to help couples. This can be especially hard on couples with different work hours, juggling multiple jobs, or lack of support with their children, so that time alone together is a scarce resource. It creates more challenges for couples who are raising a family at a distance from extended family support.

For creating enduring marriages, the research is helpful. Don't just focus on the children or work. To the extent that you can, couples need to try to increase the amount of time spent together, whether in conversation or in shared activities. Happier couples also try to encourage each other's growth and development. Taking each other for granted is old school in marriage. Most partners are unlikely to lower their expectations of their marriage, so the importance of investing time and energy in making your relationship a priority is more important now than ever. More people now are expecting better, not worse. 

Two Secrets of Great Relationships: Listen and Reveal

With Valentine's Day coming up this week, there are people scrambling for gift ideas: jewelry, perfume, dinner someplace special, and cards that are loving, funny or flirty. After several powerful hours spent this week with couples I am seeing for emotionally-focused couples counseling, I've been thinking that there are two most significant gifts you can give in a relationship.  They are actually free. They are listening effectively and well to the other person, and speaking up with your partner to reveal more about yourself, your emotions and interior life. 

We often don't get trained growing up to listen very well. I find that many people may pause or stop speaking, but they are not actively listening from the heart. Try to remember: who are the people in your life who have REALLY listened from the heart? They will stand out. Did you have a parent who really listened? Were your parents too busy with work or their own problems?

Even if you've never had someone who really listened in your life, it's a learnable skill. You can be the first in your family or in your relationship.

It's important to do some self reflection about yourself as a listener. Do you make eye contact with your partner when they are speaking with you? Can you put away distractions? Do you interrupt? Do you ask questions to more deeply understand something the other person is expressing to you? Do you summarize what they have expressed to make certain that you understand? Can you be honest if you do not have time to listen and ask to meet up again later so that you can listen more completely?

Here are the keys to being an exceptional listener:

1. Stay calm. Don't get defensive or cross-complain. Try not to overreact or take it personally.

2. Ask questions to deepen your understanding. Develop a curiosity about the other person. You don't know it all about your partner, and you never will. That's what keeps things fresh and interesting.

3. Remind yourself to stay open, and not get upset. This way you can support your partner in sharing more with you. They will shut down if you get reactive.

4. Express empathy. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine how they might be feeling about what they are expressing. Respond with what makes sense about how they may be feeling. You can hold on to you and still empathize with their feelings. It will help your partner relax with you to know that you empathize with them. They will feel more partnered and less alone.

5. Recap. As accurately as you can (without any spin), restate in your own words what your partner has shared with you. Ask if you have understood correctly. Ask if they wish to tell you more.

Doesn't being listened to this way by someone you love sound like it would feel wonderful? It does! I have seen couples visibly soften with each other, feel closer, and be moved to tears with this kind of listening.

The other key relationship building skill is learning to initiate conversations----even difficult ones---- and reveal one's self. What's the best way to do that?

1. Ask your partner for a time to talk. Ask them to be your active listener (as above). Make sure your partner is engaged and ready.

2. Pick one, and only one, topic to focus on. Describe what you want.

3. Share your thoughts and your feelings. Go for the vulnerable feelings underneath, such as sadness, loneliness, rejection, hurt, guilt, etc.

4. Avoid accusing, name calling and blaming. That will shut your partner down or make it nearly impossible for them not to get defensive. Focus on your own part.

5. Be open to learning more about yourself. See what you can learn about how you react, feel, and process experiences.

Having great relationships isn't just about finding the right person or buying them the best gifts.Truly great love relationships are where you challenge yourself to grow emotionally, listenmore deeply from the heart ,and learn to speak up and reveal more of yourself in ways that allow your partner to get closer. Understanding someone you love and their vulnerabilities, and having them understand you is about the best gift I know of.

Let's Disconnect: Put Down That iPad and Come to the Dinner Table

Families are struggling as they figure out how to cope with family members isolating and plugging into their technology. We've lost the boundaries where parents could easily protect the childhoods of their children. Partners notice how distracted their partner is. Work emails can bleed into evening and weekend space as it shows up on your iPad or iPhone. Children complain about parents that won't put down their phones; parents complain about teenagers doing the same thing.

There is an unspoken message being delivered anytime we are using technology that the person you are presently with is not the most important. It feels bad to be ignored. We long for breaks from feeling plugged-in and anxious. We need deep connection, but it's getting harder to protect emotional space and time for it. We long for being present with intimate others without distraction and multi-tasking. This generation of young people is known as "always on."

What's a family to do?

Psychologist, Harvard Medical School instructor, and writer Catherine Steiner-Adair has written an excellent new guide called The Big Disconnect (Harper Collins Books, 2013). Her book has lots of valuable reminders, such as:

1. Children and teens can't set reasonable limits. You need to be the parent and set off times.

2. Children and families still need time for independent, creative, self-generated play.

3. Make mealtimes family and connecting time: no technology of any kind. Children and parents need to practice and role model social skills and the art of connecting.

4. Don't miss your baby's, child's, or teen's important developmental moments because you are texting.

5. Help preschoolers learn to identify and manage their emotions, learn to take turns, and be patient.
Screen time can't help teach any of those soft skills. They are developed through 1:1 interaction.

6. Have conversations with your children and grandchildren of all ages, including eye contact. These are valuable zones of interaction. Story time or reading together with young children is better than iPad time.

7. Try not to use technology to get children to be quiet or not need you.

8. Be aware how technology accelerates exposure to gender stereotypes, sexuality, aggression, violence, and "cool to be cruel" comments on blogs and social media. Discuss these issues with your children at different developmental points.

9. Beware putting computers and televisions in your children's rooms too early, such as before 13. You may never see them.

10. Facebook and Instagram can emphasize a culture of obsessing about presentation of one's public self.

11. Text messaging gives an artificial sense of pre-planned wittiness and a false sense of confidence. It doesn't translate to in-person social skills.

12. Be an approachable parent, so that your children know they can talk with you about their concerns, and you won't lecture or overreact. In Dr. Steiner-Adair's research, she has learned that kids and teens won't open up and approach parents who are "scary, crazy, or clueless." Scary parents get judgmental, too intense, and harsh. Don't be reactive or hot-headed, or your children won't open up to you about their challenges. Crazy parents hold grudges, and email teachers and coaches when their child doesn't get what they want. Clueless parents are naïve, ineffective, passive, and act like their child's best friend.

13. The best approach is to become a parent who is informed, calm, approachable, and realistic.

The Big Disconnect is well worth reading. It will help you think through keeping the balance of using technology to your advantage, but not being mindless about letting it take over your family's life and connectedness. Don't sit passively by as your family ties loosen.

Engage your children. Simple contracts that your child or teen understands and signs about the conditions for the privilege of using a cell phone you pay for may be a good idea. Encourage texting only about quick details, not as a way to avoid conversations in person. Get the password for the phone, so that if their safety is in danger you can intercede. No sleeping with your phone. Technology has a bedtime. No phones at meals or family times. Ask your children to help you plan some fun time together that doesn't involve technology.

Running From Crazy

Last week, one film at the Irvine International Film Festival really captured my interest. The film is "Running From Crazy," and it is about actress/author/model Mariel Hemingway. She is the granddaughter of famed American writer Ernest Hemingway. Her grandfather fought depression, chronic pain following a near-death plane crash, alcohol abuse and finally committed suicide in 1961. There are 6 other suicides in the family history, including Ernest's father, two of his brothers, and Mariel's sister Margaux. That's quite a gene pool to inherit.

This film is beautifully made by Oscar winning director Barbara Kopple. It also showed at the 2013 Sundance Film Festival. It is an honest film about inheriting genes that carry mental illness and a tendency for substance abuse, and using your own personal power to keep ahead of it through education, openness, awareness, exercise, diet, counseling, being outside in nature, and getting good medical coaching. She is concerned not only for herself, but for her two daughters.

Mariel is interviewed informally in the film, sharing her own journey. She was born the same year her grandfather killed himself, but no one in the family told her the truth about it. Growing up in Ketchum, Idaho, she had two sisters. The girls were very competitive with each other. Her mother, who she was closer to, was very ill with cancer during her childhood. Her two sisters were closer to her dad, who Mariel suspects may have molested her sisters, but not herself.

Mariel had early success as an actress, starting at age 16 with a Golden Globe nomination for Lipstick, and later starring in Woody Allen's Manhattan, as well as other films. She is involved in the fitness industry, along with her current partner.

The film explores the "Hemingway Curse" of the legacy of the Hemingway family. Despite Ernest Hemingway being one of the most respected American writers, with a larger-than-life machismo persona, he was actually a very troubled soul. He had multiple marriages, estranged relationships with his children, and deep depression that he self-medicated with alcohol. Mariel says that her grandfather's wife at the time of his death in Idaho explained the death as an accident to the family. It was not.

In the film, Mariel is shown in the activist role she plays for a large suicide prevention organization, where she gives speeches about the need for awareness of the symptoms that a friend or loved one may be considering suicide. In 2009, suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in the US. It is more common in men than in women. Other risk factors include previous attempts, family history of suicide, physical or sexual abuse, guns in the home, chronic pain, family history of substance abuse or mental illness, and family violence.

"Running From Crazy" is an excellent film that helps us consider using our own power to manage our lifestyle and minimize the stresses that might turn risk factors into risk. Whether there is a history of anxiety, depression, suicide, or alcohol/substance abuse in your family, you still have the opportunity to be aware of the history, but do everything in your power not to succumb to it. You can't choose your family or the genetic predisposition, but you absolutely reduce the risk through awareness, education, avoiding alcohol and drug use, exercise, counseling, strong relationships, and good medical advice. Running from crazy? Aren't we all?

The Defining Decade: Why Your 20s Matter

For the past several years, I have been doing a great deal of counseling and life coaching with young adults in their 20s. I also now have three young adult children in this phase of life. I think this age group gets a lot of bad information from the media and popular culture. I really like them to focus on what's important developmentally to set a strong foundation for their lives. I've recently read a treasure of a book, which I would recommend for any young adult in their 20s,or anyone who has an adult child in this decade of life. The book is The Defining Decade: Why Your 20s Matter --and How to Make the Most of Them Now, by psychologist and University of Virginia assistant clinical professor Meg Jay, Ph.D. ( Hachette Book Group, 2012).

Here's a taste of Jay's excellent and direct style:

"Your twenties matter. Eighty percent of life's most defining moments take place by age thirty-five. Two-thirds of lifetime wage growth happens in the first ten years of a career. More than half of us are married, or dating, or living with our future partner by age thirty. Personality changes more during our twenties than at any time before or after. The brain caps off its last growth spurt in the twenties. Female fertility peaks at age twenty-eight."

Jay's research-based book goes directly in the face of a lot of bad information that the post-college set gets. Thirty is not the new twenty. For example, she doesn't like to see twenty-somethings have meaningless hook-ups and not begin the process of learning strong relational skills. As Jay points out, just because you wait to start a love relationship later doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is any higher quality. After 30 or 35, Jay points out, the choices can narrow, and it can feel like you are playing musical chairs, feeling pressure to take any seat available. That's not the best way to pick a life partner, which is one of the most important decisions anyone can make.

Jay encourages people in their 20s to become intentional in their career moves. Finish your education. Work hard. Confidence will come with 10,000 hours or so at your chosen profession, so have realistic expectations. You will not be CEO by year's end. Pay your dues.  Learn from your mistakes. Jay compares new college grads to leaves that can be unsettled and blown about by any criticism at work. Dig deep, she advises, and get back to work. Have confidence in knowing that after you have worked at your career for 20,000 or 30,000 hours, you will become like a tree with strong roots, so that when you are criticized or feel badly about a mistake it won't uproot you. It's normal to feel insecure in a new career, especially as you may be the only person in your age group in your office.

Know what you want, and politely ask for it. Don't expect others to be able to answer what you should be doing career wise. You might need some career testing to figure it out, which is usually well worth the money. Don't make the mistake of staying in a part-time or temporary job too long before figuring out how you get on the right track. Many kind adults are happy to meet and talk with you, and will remember clearly how that felt to be a new college grad trying to get started with a career. Jay compares twenty-somethings to planes ready for takeoff, and that right after takeoff any little change can alter the course, while later on after the plane lands it is less likely to be redirected.

Our job in our 20s is building an identity and a feeling of mastery as an adult: creating a career we enjoy that can support us financially, developing our self-esteem, developing a sense of agency, building post-college friendships,and learning how to be in an intimate relationship. There is a sense of being less of a group than when in college, and more on your own. Parents also need to step back, not hover, and allow this maturation and individuation process to happen: emotionally, financially, and relationally.

Jay has a funny chapter on social media's impact on those in their 20s called "My Life Should Look Better on Facebook," which explores how many young adults feel worse after following their peers on Instagram, Facebook, etc. Twenty-somethings have to get past living to impress others, and stay focused on their own path.

In choosing love relationships, about half of young adults have lived through their parents' divorce. There is a legacy of divorce emotionally, where most adult children of divorce are fearful of not living through another divorce, and sometimes delay dating or getting serious with anyone as a way to delay dealing with that fear. With this one decision about who you marry, Jay likens it to "walking over to the roulette wheel and putting all your chips on red 32. With one decision, you choose your partner in all adult things. Money, work, lifestyle, family, health, leisure, retirement, and even death became a three-legged race."

In choosing a partner, Jay encourages young adults to consider "The Big Five" Personality Factors that have been researched. In addition to sharing common core values, it is helpful to be at the same end on most of these continuums:

1. Openness (low to high)
2. Conscientiousness (low to high)
3. Extroversion (low to high)
4. Agreeableness(low to high)
5. Neuroticism (low to high)

The Big Five are how you live, and they are thought to be 50% inherited and are not likely to change.

Jay points out that many women ignore dating seriously in their 20s and then feel somewhat panicked at the age 30 transition, as friends begin marrying and changing their Facebook relationship status. Perhaps we should look at the 20s differently in the relational area.

The author is also very direct with young women about the limits of fertility. While Hollywood celebrities may be extending childbearing into their 40s, most women can't. There are many women, including some I've counseled, who are grieving at 40 that they forgot to have a child, or kept telling themselves they would deal with it later. While men might be able to wait until after 40, it might not be smart, either. What if you have toddlers AND aging parents? What if the aging process makes it harder to be active with small children? What if you aren't there to finish raising your children?

I highly recommend this informative and thought-provoking book to anyone in their 20s. Don't throw away this important decade-- it's setting the essential foundation for the life you want to create. Make the most of it by being intentional about yourselfand your goals.

9 Strategies for Moving Past Your Partner's Affair

You love your partner, and never dreamed they would be unfaithful. Now you found out. Perhaps you had been noticing different behaviors in your partner, or you found a heap of text messages or phone calls to the other person. Maybe you found the restaurant or hotel receipts, or the credit card bills, or a mutual friend saw your partner out with the other person and reported it to you. It may be that your partner came out and told you directly. You are grief-stricken, and your whole life appears not to be what you thought it was. Now what?

If you are married, love your spouse, andhave children and a whole life together, it's a big decision to give up all your dreams because of their affair. Infidelity is wrong, and involves a third person in your relationship. Practically speaking, it is also very common. Can couples heal and move on together after an affair?

I have seen many couples deal with the aftermath of one partner's affair, and some couples really can heal and get past it. An affair can, but often does not have to, end your marriage. If you choose to stay and repair the marriage, you have a whole journey of healing ahead of you. It helps to know what to expect, what to talk with your partner about, and what to do on your own to take responsibility for your own healing.

Your partner's response when the details of the affair matters: Were they remorseful? Did they sincerely ask for your forgiveness? Were they more arrogant and defensive? Were they willing to work hard to repair the marriage with you? If they weren't truly repentant and deeply sorry, you may want out of the marriage, because this affair may be foreshadowing of more affairs to come.

What if they really regret the affair and want to repair things with you? How do you manage the myriad of feelings the spouse feels who has been cheated on? How do you work through the trust being broken with your partner? How do you move through the current hell you are living through,with an eye to rebuilding the future of your marriage?

1. You need to take time to grieve. Finding out that your beloved spouse was unfaithful to you---physically, emotionally, or both, is a huge loss. In some ways it's worse than a death, because it was a willful decision to turn to someone else without regard to hurting you.To grieve, you mustfeel all the feelings that you experience: shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, hurt, and eventually, acceptance.Grief comes in waves. It can be very intense.You can feel it as physical symptoms, including an inability to sleep, not being able to eat, a hollow feeling in your chest, etc.You have lost the trust and the innocence you once had in the marriage. Something has happened that you won't be able to forget, but can work hard to forgive over time. You may want to journal or talk with a therapist on your own to process all your feelings, and decide what you most want to communicate to your partner. It is usually a better choice not to share everything with friends, family, or your children (especially if you want to work it out, as you may forgive your partner, but they might not).

2. Do extreme self-care. In the months following your finding out about your partner's infidelity, it isimportant to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Few things in life feel more like a personal hit and rejection that a partner's affair. Take some time to reinvest in yourself. Exercising might save your life during the first few months. Change a few things up about yourself. Find ways to be your own best friend. This is a time to reinvest in yourself, because you have to get stronger to fight for and rebuild your marriage. Whether your repair attempts work, and you are able to rebuild your marriage or not, you are with you either way.

3. After you get the facts on the affair and have talked openly with your partner, try not to obsess about your partner's every move. Better to act with integrity and self-esteem, and put your partner on notice that you are "all in" the relationship with them, as long as they are "all in" as well. Let them know that if you find out they are continuing their unfaithfulness, you may need to end it. This is about reclaiming your own power. You are not willing to be repeatedly victimized. Go on record about this with your partner.

4. Restructure the relationship with your partner. You need to understand what the affair meant to them. Are their unmet needs that they have? How about needs that you have? Create a format where you can each check-in with each other about how you are doing with the other. Do you have a regular date night? Weekends and vacations away together? If not, set it up, take turns making the plans, and get going. Begin having fun together again if you weren't. Find a safe way to make behavior change requests with each other.

5. Require new transparency in the marriage. As a marriage therapist, I don't like couples to have secrets. Discuss and negotiate new boundaries on Facebook, cell phones, email, lunches with the opposite gender, etc. Modern technology makes infidelity an easier temptation, but inappropriate and hurtful behavior needs to be addressed. If your partner can't agree on some reasonable compromises with you, it's a huge red flag. It is reasonable for you to want new boundaries.

6. Coping with triggered grief, anger, and sadness is an inside job. Much like war veterans can get triggered PTSD symptoms, lots of little things can surprisingly trigger the downward emotional spiral of people who have been betrayed. You have to be able to sort it out yourself, or get help doing so. If you fall apart or get angry or paranoid over every little thing,your partner will begin to feel hopeless that you two can get back on track. You have to be able to choose which items are the big things, and how to ask your partner for comfort (as in holding you). You can't stay stuck in angry, attack mode or it will drive your spouse further away. Remind yourself that your partner CHOSE to return to you, rather than pursue a future with the other person. It may help you to keep a list of your negative thoughts and check the evidence, making sure you are not using distorted thinking like emotional reasoning. You need to sort this out and be aware of not coming across as hostile, defeated, and stuck with your partner. Pick your battles, don't beat your partner up every time you get triggered. You can also learn to do thought stopping, where you go run a few miles when triggered, or remind yourself your partner stayed with you.

You need to be able to develop your own internal dialogue to deal with the insecurities that have gotten stirred up inside you. It may be overwhelming to your partner for you to be consistently needy, angry, and hyper-vigilant. You need to stay grounded, and keep a mindful of creating a new, better relationship with each other. Keep in mind that your partner may have given up the other person, but is actually grieving that relationship concurrently to working out things with you.

7. When you feel safe to do so, begin to address the sexual relationship between the two of you. If it has been dormant in recent months or years, heat things up again. I find many marriages have become disconnected in this intimate part of the relationship after having children. Begin to talk about what you would like in this intimate area of your life again, and get your partner to talk about what they have always wanted in this area. If at all possible, do not ask for specifics about sexual activities between your partner and the other person. It will be harder to get rid of these images. Make your partner wonder why they ever got involved with anyone else! Again, get out of victim mode as soon as you can. You can't undo what has happened, but you can try to rebuild and move forward.

8. Develop your spiritual life together as a couple after the affair is uncovered. A shared faith could be a huge help as you try to heal.

9. After the initial grieving, try to introspect about whatever part you may have played in the distance that happened in your marriage. It's perfectly possible you played no role in it, and certainly your partner involving another person was wrong. It is also possible that you need to own things you did or didn't do that distanced your partner (Did you get busy and ignore him? Over-focus on the children? Not invite her for date nights or couples time? Not share responsibility for a great sexual relationship?)

Marriages change after infidelity, but with your strength, the right support, and a good effort from both you and your partner, you may be able to get back on track and not lose your love and your life together. Hopefully, years from now you can look back and be glad you rebuilt your life together. In a world where the divorce rate is this high, being a couple who dug deep and renewed your commitment to each other and rebuilt the trust over time is something to be proud of you both for. There are times in life when digging deep and growing through difficult times can make you grow as an individual and as a partner.

Why It's Uncool To Freeze People Out

Have you ever had somebody get upset or angry with you and stop speaking to you?  I notice that it happens frequently, with my patients reporting how painful it is to be on the receiving end of the Big Chill. It can happen with not only children, but with full grown and educated adults. 

Putting loved ones in the chill box and shutting down and not responding to them is highly unskilled and emotionally primitive behavior. It doesn't look good on a small child, but this poor coping strategy looks even worse on adults.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, it's time to do some self-reflection. Where and when did you learn this passive aggressive pattern of behavior? It can actually feel worse to your loved one than punching them. Your behavior is actively making the relationship less safe for the other person. It's a power grab of sorts, in an unfair and childlike delivery.

Is this how you watched the adults in your family solve differences or work through competing needs? 

Who did you go to when you were upset as a young person growing up? Was there anyone safe who would listen compassionately, or did you learn to stuff your upset feelings inside and get your retaliation by refusing to speak to others?

Perhaps now is the time to update your skill level if you notice that you have this tendency to punish others by not speaking. Emotionally mature people use words to express if they feel angry, hurt, or mad and need a little time out to cool themselves down before talking things through.

It's perfectly okay to be upset, hurt, or angry. In relationships with another person, you won't always get your needs met. You are not always more important than the other person. You won't always get your own way. Dealing with disappointment and frustration are two things we all need to get good at. It's part of our human experience. 

The next time you have the urge to pout, sulk, or freeze your loved one out by not speaking to them, think again. Choose a better, more grown up path. Your relationship can only be as close and secure as you and the other person cab build it. Don't dismantle what you are building because you are reverting back to childish tactics. You deserve better, and so does the other person in the relationship with you. Develop some new strategies. The deep freeze may be a good place for ice cream, but it's a bad place to put your most valuable relationships.